Caleb rubbed sugar around the rim of the mango margarita glass and hoped that the strong drink would soothe Delmonico after a disastrous ending on the American Idol finale.
"Maybe next year, bitch," said Caleb as he examined Delmonico's tear-spotted Dolce & Gabbana jeans. "I told you that cunt can't sing, but what can you do?"
"Caleb, I'm not only crying because of the sh-sh-show," Delmonico whimpered as a large strand of snot dropped into his drink, "I've been having a silly goose fantasy that I can't talk to you about."
Caleb raised one perfectly plucked and shaped eyebrow. Delmonico's last fantasy had been to have a greased eggplant inserted into his rectum; what could possibly be so shocking as to render him mute?
"Uh, Delmonico, you know getting freaky is the only way that I can shoot my albino love chutney, so spill the beans, faggot!"
"All right, but you're not going to like it," Delmonico lisped after taking a deep breath, "I...I want to see what it's like to fuck a woman." Delmonico lowered his head and began sobbing as the pressure of keeping his secret was released like the shart he expelled on the Egyptian cotton sheets when Caleb pulled the eggplant out of his poop chute.
Caleb subconsciously tugged on his purple and seafoam Ben Sherman track jacket as the shock came over him. He was not angry, merely surprised; Delmonico was as queer as a three-dollar bill, and the thought of him pounding a snizz was laughable.
"Ooooooo kaaaaaay," said Caleb in a voice that was deep for him, but that would have still sounded queer if affected by a straight man, "Delmonico, this is wild! I think you should totally go for it if it's bothering you! do you have anyone in mind?"
"Yes," Delmonico whispered, his eyes wide like those of the man in the bathroom of Berlin after Delmonico shoved his donkey-dick through the glory hole, "your sister Ashleigh. Remember how she was bitching about how Marv won't fuck her while she's pregnant? I thought we could give her some 151 and see what happens."
Caleb was not disturbed by the thought of his sister drinking whilst pregnant. It was OK to drink in the second trimester, right? Nor was he upset that Delmonico would talk of having intercourse with his married sister - Ashleigh had never accepted Caleb's homosexuality, and the thought of seeing her degraded pleased him. After all, she WAS super horny due to her fat, football obsessed husband Marv avoiding her seeded womb like Caleb avoided ESPN.
"I think it's a fantaaaaastic idea!" Caleb squealed, "Let's get her over here Friday. I'll tell her that I got a Domino's gift card. She chows cheesesticks more often than you inhale my yogurt-cannon."
***Friday Evening, Caleb & Delmonico's Chicago West Loop Loft***
"Thanks for the 'za, bro," Ashleigh belched as she patted her belly, "you know I'm eating for two now!"
Caleb and Delmonico let out a pathetic fake laugh; they understood that this cliche represented the full extent of Ashleigh's sense of humor.
"Um, Ashleigh, I thought that we would celebrate the blessing that is your fifth child," Caleb said as he held up a bottle of Bacardi 151, or, as Ashleigh called it, Nectar Of The Gods, "it's OK to have one drink, right? Let's do a toast!"
"Fuck yeah, let's do it!" Ashleigh roared, "it'll make the little fucker strong as an ox!"
"To little Tanner, my future nephew!" Caleb flounced as he held up his shot glass, "drink up!"
As soon as Ashleigh downed her shot, Caleb poured another. And then another. And another. Ashleigh was getting so soused that she did not notice Delmonico tossing his shots into the aloe vera plant in the corner.
"Woooo! Feelin' no pain tonight!" Ashleigh slurred, "set me up anozer one, baby bro!"
"OK, but before I do that, Ashleigh, Delmonico has something to show you," Caleb said, "look over in the corner."
Ashleigh turned her glassy eyes to the corner of the room, where Delmonico had extracted his forearm-sized, rock hard meatpole.
"Do you want it, Ashleigh?" Delmonico whispered, "you know you're hungry for a fat cock."
Ashleigh nodded and drooled as if hypnotized. She stood up and followed as Delmonico beckoned her to the boudoir.
Delmonico winced as Ashleigh removed her Bears sweatpants and displayed cottage cheese theighs and a gut. He began to silently weep as an odor resembling a trout hatchery filled the room.
Ashleigh spread her legs and Delmonico immediately penetrated her; his massive dong easily sliding in to her blown-out hatchet-wound.
"Oh god, it's all gooey like warm Jello," Delmonico cried as he forced himself to thrust deeper, the head of his penis going through Ashleigh's cervix, which was also blown out from her four birthing sessions, "how could this get any worse?"
Delmonico was about to find out. As he struggled to maintain his erection by picturing Tom Colicchio from Top Chef, Tanner De Laurent (who had already developed homosexual tendencies) was rearranging himself in the womb to get closer to Delmonico's tool - an instinct similar to the one that allows newborns to find a nipple.
Delmonico gasped as Tanner's under-developed mouth began sucking on his pee-hole. He thought that this was some magical feature of the vagina; he had no idea that the fetus was Gerber-Babying him.
The baby BJ pushed Delmonico over the edge - he shot a load so hard that it pushed in Tanner's skull and caused an injury that would eventually lead to Downs Syndrome.
As Delmonico ran screaming into the shower, Ashleigh fell asleep and Caleb began spraying Lysol in the befouled bedroom.