Sunday, April 13, 2008


The sound created when a woman pushes during childbirth and defecates.

Caleb looked more pale than usual as he hung up his micro-mini lime green Motorola cell phone.

"Ding-dong, what's wrong, bitch?" Caleb's effeminate lover Delmonico lisped, "Is Christina Agulara retiring?"

Caleb removed his perfectly moisturized hands from the knees of his 80% linen, 20% polyester Armani City slacks and stared at his cherished come-dumpster.

"It's my sister, Dakota," Caleb minced, "she's gone into labor prematurely - we, like, have to drive over to see her!"

"Oh my god, Caleb, she lives in Rockford," Delmonico pouted, his firm ass accentuated in the moonlight by a pair of acid-stressed Express bootcut jeans, "they eat fags like us for breakfast in that shithole."

Caleb gazed at his boyfriend while picking at the underside of a tooth with his fingernail;
a habit developed during the same period that a pre-pubescent Caleb ruined any hope of having straight incisors by sucking (or gumming) dick concurrent with the development of his "adult teeth".

"Delmonico, we need to support her. When I came out to the family she called me a satan-fellating shit-chomper, but at least she didn't try to beat me with my grandfather's crucifix while my mother drunkenly wept over her Yahtzee board," Caleb said as he unwrapped a watermelon flavored popsicle, "besides, once she's done breeding we can stop by that IKEA in Schaumberg and replace the bedside table that's all covered with shit and come."

"I'm sold," Delmonico yelped,"the smell of that thing messes with my head when I'm doing law school homework."

***Later, in Rockford,***

Caleb and Delmonico skipped through the doors of Rockford Memorial Hospital . “Pardon me, madam,” Delmonico said to the mulleted land-cow seated behind the reception desk. The receptionist slowly glanced up from her Tractor Pull magazine and took in Caleb's lime green fingernails and Delmonico's faux-mohawk with magenta highlighted tips.

“We're looking for Dakota De Laurent” said Caleb, “she's about to have a spawn!”

"Room 503," said the closeted bull-dyke, "elevators to the right."

"Thanks soooo much," Delmonico said, "and maybe grow your hair out a bit, you're tough even for a hick box-muncher. Bye!"

When the happy couple hit the fifth floor, they immediately noticed a conversation occurring at the Nurses Desk.

Caleb stopped suddenly as he noticed an older gentleman dressed in a polo shirt and Dockers.
"Delmonico, that's my uncle Ralph," Caleb said with his head cocked 45 degrees to the left, "I haven't seen him since I was twelve years old when I caught him jerking off while smelling my sister's panties. He ran out ashamed before I could even try to give him a sloppy blow job."

"Caleb, get over here," said Ralph, "Dakota's about to pop!"

Delmonico and Caleb ran after Ralph into room 503. "Push! Push!" yelled the doctor as Dakota screamed,


A flood of pasty yellow feces jettisoned from Dakota's anus as her newborn son's head appeared between her meaty vaginal lips. As Caleb fainted from disgust, a loud blast of vile gas escaped from his weakened sphincter.

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